guys are better than girls... in my humble opinion

It's odd that the things I'm most proud of are things that I really didn't have any control over. Perhaps the things we can't control impact us the deepest.

If I had to name the things I'm most proud of (family aside), I'd say they're that I'm a guy and that I'm a southerner. You don't know me, but you know my type. I'm the average southern guy from a loud southern family who drives a Ford truck, knows good okra from bad okra, still isn't over The War, loves sweet tea, calls people y'all or ma'am or beau, and got his first erection thinking about Daisy Duke. That's who I am. I wrestled with shyness and spent years wondering if I wanted to be something else-- maybe I'd move to NYC and become an eccentric writer-type or head to LA and be a stage hand, but slowly and I've grown more proud of being an average guy in an average town.

I really love being a guy, and I don't believe girls feel the same. I hear fellas all the time saying they are glad they aren't a chick. Every guy alive loves the fact he can pee standing up, doesn't bleed every 28 days, and gets to impregnate rather than be impregnated. I mean male hygiene is a bar of soap; female hygiene is an aisle at Wal-Mart.

We take pride in being less-complicated even if women see us as simplistic and shallow. You can try to spin it into an insult, but simple is always better than complicated. An old episode of Northern Exposure said something like, "Men are controlled by their stomachs and their penises; those are two tangible things. Women much more complicated. They are controlled by things like love, hate, and rage." Women are too often too complicated.

I guess in most ways I'm an average joe who is proud to be a joe, but I think my neo-chauvinism goes deeper. I love everything about being a guy. I could go all Freudian on you, explaining my southern family ran by loud women and how it took me years to discover what it meant to be a man, but that is for another blog during another week. Suffice it to say that I am more proud now than I have ever been that I have a Y chromosome. Here are a few of my favorite thing about being a beau:

Driving down a wilmington road on a hot summer afternoon in my truck, windows down, no shirt. Freedom...

Getting naked in a locker room. I love the fact guys have little modesty and will let complete strangers see their stuff.

Opening doors, pulling out chairs, buying flowers, even killing bugs for a lady. I'm old-fashioned in that way and would hate someone to do that for me.

Sweating when I'm working outside or exercising. The say women don't sweat; they perspire. I love the feeling of being soaked in sweat after accomplishing something with my hands.

Going for a run on the loop Wrightsville beach with my shirt off. The feeling of cool wind hitting the sweat on your bare chest is awesome.

Wearing boxer briefs. I don't know why, but I love sitting on my couch in my nothing but my underwear; I think it's the idea of only wearing one piece of clothing.

I could go on and on about how guys have easier orgasms, about how not shaving is awesome, and about how I can be both gross and a perv and be seen as a normal guy. You may read thins and think I'm chauvinistic, close-minded, and shallow, but I guess that's just who guys are. Man, it's great to be a man.

-bo

Beau's Man Laws

A real men has more than male genitalia. We forget that. It seems that what it means to be a man continues to be blurred in the world of Everybody-Loves-Raymond wimps, Homer-Simpson bums, metrosexual posers, Oprah-watching sissies, and loser-without-a-job types. Real men are hard to come by, because few people remember what a real man looks like. Here are my commandments about everything manly.

• Thou shalt be proud to be a man. That doesn’t make me a chauvinist; it makes me right.
• Thou shalt open doors for women. You must do so because you are a gentlemen, but if you catch a look at a girl’s ass, then so be it.
• Thou shalt spend less than 30 seconds fixing you hair. Only pretty boys, homosexuals, and girls spend more than that.
• Thou shalt be a carnivore; only rabbits and women can survive on vegetables.
• Thou shalt take off your shirt whenever the hell you feel like it. Real men work, sleep, and sit around the house shirtless.
• Thou shalt be hairy. When men hit puberty, we get hair everywhere; get used to it. It is permissible to shave your chest, legs, or arms only if you an Olympic swimmer. It is never permissible to shave your package.
• Thou shalt wrestle with your sons, teach them how to fish, and explain the intricacies of an “I” Formation to them. If you have a daughter, thou shalt show her how a man will treat her.
• Thou shalt not share a bed with another man. If there is one bed and two guys, one must sleep on the floor. I don’t make up these rules; I’m just recording them.
• Thou shalt have a college team you know everything about, never forsake, and yell at ESPN because you are sure that Lee Corso hates them. Go Tarheels. Die Corso.
• Thou shalt eat fried food at least twice a day.
• Thou shalt be able to bring a woman to orgasm. Keep trying young men; you’ll get there.
• Thou shalt change your kids’ diapers. They’re your kids too.
• Thou shalt turn off the damn video games-- Jr. High boys conquer Halo; men have lives.
• Thou shalt not be a fat, lazy bastard. Real men can run over a mile, do at least 20 push ups, and can bench press 150 pounds.
• Thou shalt stop whatever you are doing if there is a possibility of sex.
• Thou shalt cry. Not as much as Oprah, but more than Dirty Harry.
• Thou shalt go to a barber, not a hairdresser, hair stylist, or salon. If it smells like a perm, get your ass out of there.
• Thou shalt tell your wife and your kids that you love them.
• Thou shalt be able to kick someone's ass if you have to, but only if you have to.
  
• Thou shalt know the basics about sports, i.e. the starting QB for Dallas, who is playing in the World Series, and that the Nextel Cup isn't something you drink out of.
• Thou shalt watch a chick flick if sex is highly likely afterwards.
• Thou shalt sleep in your underwear. It is highly encouraged to sleep naked if there is a woman in bed with you.
• Thou shalt start your wife’s car for her on cold days, and pick her up at the door on rainy days. It’s what men do.
• Thou shalt break a sweat. Real men mow their own grass, paint their own house, and figure out how to fix their dishwasher.
• Thou shalt own a pocket knife. Thou shalt use it as a toothpick, then to clean your nails, then to cut an apple. You will never wash off this knife.
• Thou shalt admit your mistakes.
• Thou shalt like being outside better than inside, and camp out at least once a year.
  
• Thou shalt watch Ultimate Fighting Championship whenever you see it on.
• Thou shalt never hit a girl, not even playing around. Never. Only kindergartners and pricks on COPS hit girls.
• Thou shalt never get pedicures. Or manicures. Or waxing.
• Thou shalt take care of your family. A real man works hard, protects, and would take a bullet for his family.
• Thou shalt do the right thing. Boys do the right thing when they are nagged. Real men do the right thing without being asked.
• Thou shalt own a dog. ‘Nuf said.

Real men aren't boys.
Real men aren't woman-like.
Real men take care of their families.
Real men are rare.
I try to be a real man.

-bo