Beau's Man Laws

A real men has more than male genitalia. We forget that. It seems that what it means to be a man continues to be blurred in the world of Everybody-Loves-Raymond wimps, Homer-Simpson bums, metrosexual posers, Oprah-watching sissies, and loser-without-a-job types. Real men are hard to come by, because few people remember what a real man looks like. Here are my commandments about everything manly.

• Thou shalt be proud to be a man. That doesn’t make me a chauvinist; it makes me right.
• Thou shalt open doors for women. You must do so because you are a gentlemen, but if you catch a look at a girl’s ass, then so be it.
• Thou shalt spend less than 30 seconds fixing you hair. Only pretty boys, homosexuals, and girls spend more than that.
• Thou shalt be a carnivore; only rabbits and women can survive on vegetables.
• Thou shalt take off your shirt whenever the hell you feel like it. Real men work, sleep, and sit around the house shirtless.
• Thou shalt be hairy. When men hit puberty, we get hair everywhere; get used to it. It is permissible to shave your chest, legs, or arms only if you an Olympic swimmer. It is never permissible to shave your package.
• Thou shalt wrestle with your sons, teach them how to fish, and explain the intricacies of an “I” Formation to them. If you have a daughter, thou shalt show her how a man will treat her.
• Thou shalt not share a bed with another man. If there is one bed and two guys, one must sleep on the floor. I don’t make up these rules; I’m just recording them.
• Thou shalt have a college team you know everything about, never forsake, and yell at ESPN because you are sure that Lee Corso hates them. Go Tarheels. Die Corso.
• Thou shalt eat fried food at least twice a day.
• Thou shalt be able to bring a woman to orgasm. Keep trying young men; you’ll get there.
• Thou shalt change your kids’ diapers. They’re your kids too.
• Thou shalt turn off the damn video games-- Jr. High boys conquer Halo; men have lives.
• Thou shalt not be a fat, lazy bastard. Real men can run over a mile, do at least 20 push ups, and can bench press 150 pounds.
• Thou shalt stop whatever you are doing if there is a possibility of sex.
• Thou shalt cry. Not as much as Oprah, but more than Dirty Harry.
• Thou shalt go to a barber, not a hairdresser, hair stylist, or salon. If it smells like a perm, get your ass out of there.
• Thou shalt tell your wife and your kids that you love them.
• Thou shalt be able to kick someone's ass if you have to, but only if you have to.
  
• Thou shalt know the basics about sports, i.e. the starting QB for Dallas, who is playing in the World Series, and that the Nextel Cup isn't something you drink out of.
• Thou shalt watch a chick flick if sex is highly likely afterwards.
• Thou shalt sleep in your underwear. It is highly encouraged to sleep naked if there is a woman in bed with you.
• Thou shalt start your wife’s car for her on cold days, and pick her up at the door on rainy days. It’s what men do.
• Thou shalt break a sweat. Real men mow their own grass, paint their own house, and figure out how to fix their dishwasher.
• Thou shalt own a pocket knife. Thou shalt use it as a toothpick, then to clean your nails, then to cut an apple. You will never wash off this knife.
• Thou shalt admit your mistakes.
• Thou shalt like being outside better than inside, and camp out at least once a year.
  
• Thou shalt watch Ultimate Fighting Championship whenever you see it on.
• Thou shalt never hit a girl, not even playing around. Never. Only kindergartners and pricks on COPS hit girls.
• Thou shalt never get pedicures. Or manicures. Or waxing.
• Thou shalt take care of your family. A real man works hard, protects, and would take a bullet for his family.
• Thou shalt do the right thing. Boys do the right thing when they are nagged. Real men do the right thing without being asked.
• Thou shalt own a dog. ‘Nuf said.

Real men aren't boys.
Real men aren't woman-like.
Real men take care of their families.
Real men are rare.
I try to be a real man.

-bo